The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.