Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets