My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
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Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I love art.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location