me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
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I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.