Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
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If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My brain is a bad influence on me
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
October already? What’s next? November????
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.