little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
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Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.