I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
You Might Also Like
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies