If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls