succession but with mickey mouse and friends
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Strange
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
NASA has no chill
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all