Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
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[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.