Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I really had high hopes for this year though
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.