– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer