When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
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If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
just witnessed a drug deal
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho