I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
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me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
got so much cardio in today
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.