The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
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My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother