My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
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My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me