You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
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Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My time has come.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday