[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
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KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?