me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
And they lived apathetically ever after.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Spa day..😅
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?