Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
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“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.