30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
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I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!