Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
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Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.