I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise