Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
You Might Also Like
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)