HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard