Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.