[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
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“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My god she’s good.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Going to pronounce fecal like decal