Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
You Might Also Like
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.