I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
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it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.