Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
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How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I bet
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying