As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
You Might Also Like
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.