The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
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OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’