Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”