Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Selfie