My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
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When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
👾👾👾
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal