You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.