no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.