North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
💻🤡
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Who.
Did.
This?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk