Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
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OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
#CoronaOutbreak
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!