My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.