When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
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“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks