Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
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If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
*weighs self after shaving
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day