no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
necessity is the mother of invention
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Happy Febuary everyone!
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards