You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
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Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Death certificates are our last participation award.