DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
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Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!