To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
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Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.