Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.