Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
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As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”