My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
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*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.