Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
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[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Ugh but profoundly
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Hello Twits.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement